This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
