he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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