I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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