The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
