3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
