There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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