HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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