You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
