you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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