You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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