Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What a dumb baby whore.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
