Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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