My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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