The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
