loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize