Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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