LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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