....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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