I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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