if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
