We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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