good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
