cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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