I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
