Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
operation have a gay friend backfired
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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