Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
