Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
