My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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