I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
