you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
