i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
