I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
