i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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