she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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