what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
