So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
