Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
