Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize