Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
