youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
