looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
