if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
