I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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