My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
COCAINE IS GR8
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
