My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
