:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
