I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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