our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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