well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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