How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
