I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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