We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
