I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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