do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
