I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
