I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
