"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My life is pants optional.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
