im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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