I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize